Rended Heart

No Regrets

2009-03-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

Should I Be Bold Enough To Speak In This Moment?

A Reverent Heart Must Surely Be Unbroken

CHORUS With No Regrets Should I Be,

Lost In Forgetfulness With Not Regrets

In My Head, Faithfully Shed

Should I Be Rich, Or Poor And Scattered

In My Dreams?

While All The Figures

That Surround Me Live Unguarded

CHORUS And Free From The Worry

Free From The Dark That Lives In Me

Free To Embark On The Passion

You've Favorably Fashioned In Me

CHORUS

One of my favorite songs...one of redemption...by Jennifer Knapp.

Is it just me?

2009-03-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Anyone else ever feel like their own problems drag them down in slow motion while the rest of the world goes by in fast forward?

God, thank you that you don't abandon me. Thanks that I can get up and come to the cross. Thanks that Your yoke is easy and Your burden light. Help me to see You when I'm only seeing myself. I don't want to drown in self-pity.
Amen

Where is it?

2009-03-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

Where's my identity? Is it in my friends' approval? Or my parent's approval? What my church family thinks of me? The mask I wear? What my boss or co-workers say about me? The list could keep growing. Bottom line my approval lies with Christ. His Spirit convicts me of sin so I know when to repent. He tells me I'm His daughter. He gives me rest. It's a PROMISE.

For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken of another day later on. So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.
-Hebrews 4:8-10

I don't find rest in my friends, even though I may try. I don't find it by throwing myself into work. I don't find it by trying my hardest to relax while pushing thoughts out of my head of what must be done that day. I find rest in Christ alone. My joy must be found in Christ. And that is where the rest will come from.

Post inspired by last weeks sermon at Redeemer Fellowship, given by Kevin Cawley, on Sabbath rest.

Who I Am

2009-03-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about things I like to do and who I am at the core. Here are some random things I've come up with.

I like Coke better than Pepsi. Definitely.
I really like to play cards.
I am afraid of a lot of things and I wish I was more adventurous.
I like to read and write. (Anybody know of a good site to get more traffic on my blog? :)
I have been places and seen things I wish I hadn't.
I have loved and lost.
People mean a lot to me, but I don't always see past my own needs to the needs of others.
I am sensitive, but I put up a front.
I spend too much time watching TV and movies when I should be outside.
Coffee is so good!
Pro football is about the only sport I watch. Sorry everyone, I only watch the championship NCAA game.
I like a lot of different music generes, but I never listen to classical. Country is about the only music I loathe.
I find that I don't like Christian bookstores. They don't support the classic authors...only trendy new people I don't read.
My favorite things to shop for are books and coffee (yeah for Barnes and Noble!)
I just started going to a new church
One of my goals is to get an apartment in Westport
I like tattoos. I want one.
If I could go to one place before I died it would be Russia.
My favorite book of the Bible is Romans.
Confession: I own more books than I have time to read. I spend too much time in Half Price Books.
My dream job is in a bookstore.
My favorite color is green.
I talk on the phone at least 20 hours a week as part of my job
I love to go fishing.
I hardly ever go to bed before midnight.
I don't really like Starbucks. I like to go to the local chains.

I think that's about it for now.

Baptized

2009-01-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

I was reading the account of Jesus' baptism the other day (Matthew 3:13-17). I was wondering what it would have been like to be John. Here he is, prophesying about the One who is to come, the One who is greater than he or any other man...and Jesus comes and asks John to baptize Him! John wants to refuse and have Jesus baptize him, but Jesus answered in a mysterious way: "Let it be so now, for thus it is fitting for us to fulfill all righteousness." So John baptized Jesus. And God was pleased.

This passage made me think of how gracious God is. He sent his Son as a man, completely human and fully God. He didn't just go through motions and rituals. He obeyed His Father. He was born a baby, baptized and began his ministry, crucified, raised from the dead, and ascended to heaven. He is the model for baptism here. New life. Obedience. Daily death to our flesh. Picking up our cross and following the Father. Our ultimate goal? Eternity with the Father.

John was obedient. He baptized the Christ. He died. He is now alive with Christ. I want to daily die. I want faith like that of John's. I want to have eternity in mind throughout my life.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but it was on my mind. If not, disregard it as ramblings. :)

Merry Christmas, friends!

2008-12-25T14:57:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's here already! Another year is on its way out. Anyone else feel like they're getting old? :) I mean, this year seemed to flash by.

My job at Pie Lady is over now. I'll be looking for a new job after the first of the year. Hopefully something more permanent...one of my goals this year.

Anyone else have new years resolutions, or is it too early?

Anybody...?

2008-12-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all the comments about my dad's job. I really appreciate all of you who've shared the love. My confidence in your care is growing. You're opinions are no longer necessary. You know who you are.

Does anybody really know who I really am? What I struggle with? Does anybody care? Does anybody see that I'm hurting? Would anybody want to know, or would they just reject me?

If I died tonight...

would it matter?

2008-11-08T22:04:00.000-08:00

The bed is hard and the room is dim. Time stands still here. Stripped of possessions. All is frozen like a glacier...nothing moves in this room. The former perception of freedom is shattered.
I sit up and crank the blinds open. Rays of sunshine somehow manage to pierce the cold. There is still sun and light in the outside world. They manage to give hope in the darkness.
God, will the light of hope pierce my soul? Can I be restored?
Bring me into the light of Thy salvation and restore my hope.

You were there...

2008-09-08T03:44:00.000-07:00

I saw you last night. It was like you never left.
All the memories came back and it was so real.
We talked and laughed.
Your laugh-I haven't heard it in so long.
Your smile-it was so good to see.
Your voice-I miss it so much.
Why do I have to relive the moment? It seemed so real..
And then I woke up.
All of it a dream.
See you on the other side.

The Calling

2008-08-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

"Paul, called by the will of God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus and our brother Sosthenes. To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus called to be saints together with all those who in every place call upon the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, both their Lord and ours: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ."

1 Corinthians 1:1-3

Christ called us! Further in this chapter, Paul talks about how Christ keeps us (read the whole thing...it's good!).
I was thinking about what I am supposed to do with this calling. I don't want to take it for granted. Some of us experienced fellowship with a bigger part of the body serving, fellowshipping and ministering with the church in Minneapolis. I want to have this calling and burden for people every day!
Anyway, that's my two cents.

True Holocaust Story

2008-08-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

I checked this out...it's legit and a cool story.

A Girl with an Apple

August 1942. Piotrkow , Poland.

The sky was gloomy that morning as we waited anxiously. All the
men, women and children of Piotrkow's Jewish ghetto had been
herded into a square. Word had gotten around that we were being
moved. My father had only recently died from typhus, which had
run rampant through the crowded ghetto. My greatest fear was that
our family would be separated.

'Whatever you do,' Isidore, my eldest brother, whispered to
me,'don't tell them your age. Say you're sixteen.' I was tall for
a boy of 11, so I could pull it off. That way I might be deemed
valuable as a worker.

An SS man approached me, boots clicking against the cobblestones.
He looked me up and down, then asked my age. 'Sixteen,'I said. He
directed me to the left, where my three brothers and other
healthy young men already stood.

My mother was motioned to the right with the other women,
children,sick and elderly people. I whispered to Isidore, 'Why?'
He didn't answer. I ran to Mama's side and said I wanted to stay
with her. 'No,'she said sternly. 'Get away. Don't be a nuisance.
Go with your brothers.'

She had never spoken so harshly before. But I understood: She was
protecting me. She loved me so much that, just this once, she
pretended not to. It was the last I ever saw of her.

My brothers and I were transported in a cattle car to Germany
We arrived at the Buchenwald concentration camp one night weeks
later and were led into a crowded barrack. The next day, we were
issued uniforms and identification numbers.'Don't call me Herman
anymore.' I said to my brothers. 'Call me 94983.'

I was put to work in the camp's crematorium, loading the dead
into a hand-cranked elevator. I, too, felt dead. Hardened, I had
become a number.

Soon, my brothers and I were sent to Schlieben, one of
Buchenwald's sub-camps near Berlin. One morning I thought I
heard my mother's voice,'Son,' she said softly but clearly, I am
going to send you an angel.' Then I woke up. Just a dream. A
beautiful dream. But in this place there could be no angels.
There was only work. And hunger. And fear.

A couple of days later, I was walking around the camp, around the
barracks, near the barbed-wire fence where the guards could not
easily see. I was alone. On the other side of the fence, I
spotted someone: a little girl with light, almost luminous curls.
She was half-hidden behind a birch tree. I glanced around to make
sure no one saw me. I called to her softly in German. 'Do you
have something to eat?' She didn't understand. I inched closer to
the fence and repeated the question in Polish. She stepped
forward. I was thin and gaunt, with rags wrapped around my feet,
but the girl looked unafraid. In her eyes, I saw life.

She pulled an apple from her woolen jacket and threw it over the
fence. I grabbed the fruit and, as I started to run away, I heard
her say faintly, 'I'll see you tomorrow.' I returned to the same
spot by the fence at the same time every day. She was always
there with something for me to eat - a hunk of bread or, better
yet, an apple. We didn't dare speak or linger. To be caught would
mean death for us both. I didn't know anything about her, just a
kind farm girl, except that she understood Polish. What was her
name? Why was she risking her life for me? Hope was in such short
supply, and this girl on the other side of the fence gave me
some, as nourishing in its way as the bread and apples.

Nearly seven months later, my brothers and I were crammed into a
coal car and shipped to Theresienstadt camp in Czechoslovakia.
'Don't return,' I told the girl that day. 'We're leaving.' I
turned toward the barracks and didn't look back, didn't even say
good-bye to the little girl whose name I'd never learned, the
girl with the apples.

We were in Theresienstadt for three months. The war was winding
down and Allied forces were closing in, yet my fate seemed
sealed. On May 10, 1945, I was scheduled to die in the gas
chamber at 10:00 AM. In the quiet of dawn, I tried to prepare
myself. So many times death seemed ready to claim me, but somehow
I'd survived. Now, it was over. I thought of my parents. At
least, I thought, we will be reunited.

But at 8 A.M. there was a commotion. I heard shouts, and saw
people running every which way through camp. I caught up with my
brothers. Russian troops had liberated the camp! The gates swung
open. Everyone was running, so I did too. Amazingly, all of my
brothers had survived; I'm not sure how. But I knew that the girl
with the apples had been the key to my survival. In a place where
evil seemed triumphant, one person's goodness had saved my life,
had given me hope in a place where there was none. My mother had
promised to send me an angel, and the angel had come.

Eventually I made my way to England where I was sponsored by a
Jewish charity, put up in a hostel with other boys who had
survived the Holocaust and trained in electronics. Then I came to
America , where my brother Sam had already moved. I served in the
U. S. Army during the Korean War, and returned to New York City
after two years. By August 1957 I'd opened my own electronics
repair shop. I was starting to settle in.

One day, my friend Sid who I knew from England called me. 'I've
got a date. She's got a Polish friend. Let's double date.' A
blind date? Nah, that wasn't for me. But Sid kept pestering me,
and a few days later we headed up to the Bronx to pick up his
date and her friend Roma. I had to admit, for a blind date this
wasn't so bad. Roma was a nurse at a Bronx hospital. She was kind
and smart. Beautiful, too, with swirling brown curls and green,
almond-shaped eyes that sparkled with life.

The four of us drove out to Coney Island. Roma was easy to talk
to,easy to be with. Turned out she was wary of blind dates too!
We were both just doing our friends a favor. We took a stroll on
the boardwalk, enjoying the salty Atlantic breeze, and then had
dinner by the shore. I couldn't remember having a better time.

We piled back into Sid's car, Roma and I sharing the backseat. As
European Jews who had survived the war, we were aware that much
had been left unsaid between us. She broached the subject, 'Where
were you,' she asked softly, 'during the war?' 'The camps,' I
said, the terrible memories still vivid, the irreparable loss. I
had tried to forget. But you can never forget. She nodded. 'My
family was hiding on a farm in Germany, not far from Berlin ,'
she told me. 'My father knew a priest, and he got us Aryan
papers.' I imagined how she must have suffered too, fear, a
constant companion. And yet here we were, both survivors, in a
new world. 'There was a camp next to the farm.' Roma continued.
'I saw a boy there and I would throw him apples every day.'

What an amazing coincidence that she had helped some other boy.
'What did he look like? I asked. 'He was tall, skinny, and
hungry. I must have seen him every day for six months.' My heart
was racing. I couldn't believe it. This couldn't be. 'Did he tell
you one day not to come back because he was leaving Schlieben?'
Roma looked at me in amazement. 'Yes!' 'That was me! ' I was
ready to burst with joy and awe, flooded with emotions. I
couldn't believe it! My angel.

'I'm not letting you go.' I said to Roma. And in the back of the
car on that blind date, I proposed to her. I didn't want to wait.
'You're crazy!' she said. But she invited me to meet her parents
for Shabbat dinner the following week. There was so much I looked
forward to learning about Roma, but the most important things I
always knew: her steadfastness, her goodness. For many months, in
the worst of circumstances, she had come to the fence and given
me hope. Now that I'd found her again, I could never let her go.

That day, she said yes. And I kept my word. After nearly 50 years
of marriage, two children and three grandchildren, I have never
let her go.

Herman Rosenblat, Miami Beach, Florida

This is a true story and you can find out more by Googling Herman
Rosenblat. He was Bar Mitzvahed at age 75. This story is being
made into a movie called The Fence.

Among the Dead

2008-01-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

What would it look like if the church as a whole opened it's eyes and saw the world for what it really is: crowds of lost souls dead in their sins? I take it for granted that I'm "saved", but do I tell others about this saving power of Jesus? Do I take this light to the nations? Do I share the gospel with my co-workers? My classmates? My neighbors? What would happen if I really took the Great Commission and lived it out, as Jesus commanded me?
"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."
-Matthew 28:19,20
What would it look like if we banded together as brothers and sisters in the church and showed them that we love each other, instead of fighting over gray areas?
I think this is starting to take place in our community, and I'm excited. I don't want the excitement to wane. I want my heart to break for the lost...I want my greatest desire to be for Jesus and His kingdom. I want to be a woman of prayer whose first love is Jesus.

Any thoughts?

Revive this blog!

2008-01-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

It's time to revamp this thing. I know I started this blog with a vision of communicating what's on my heart, but it quickly turned into a pity-party depression blog that no one would want to read, including myself. So I've taken a sabbatical, but I'm back. And I'm exploding with new things to think about and to write about! With a coffee cup in hand (inspiration from Arie at Bittersweetlife) and Bible on the table, I'm ready to meet the challenges of each day with the awareness that my Savior is by my side.
Coming back from Faithwalkers 2007, I am convicted of my lack of participation in the church and my lack of initiative in bringing about community. I would rather look for it elsewhere than work hard in my own church. I would rather argue over gray areas than open up Scripture together and seek fellowship and peace. I am being broken and God is exposing my heart, but it is so good. Painful, but good! I am ready to dive in and work on this thing we call fellowship. I want to be one body, not fighting and trying to amputate myself from the whole and become ineffective in my rebellion. My prayer is to be used now as a part of Cornerstone. Please join with me in praying for community! I look forward to serving with all of you brothers and sisters, and I will continue to write about Faithwalkers and my experiences.
It's time for a new face on this blog.

2007-11-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'm on the final night of my vacation from work and school. It's been quite nice to get away for a bit and not have to think about anything. The first day all I did was eat and sleep. Sleep has been something I have lacked lately...hopefully when I get home I will be on a more normal schedule.

I feel like I've reached a huge crossroads in my life. I need to start visiting schools and finding out about their programs and what I can really do with a history degree, since foreign language kinda fell through. I could go to KU or UMKC, or settle in the middle and not do anything and work a sucky job forever. I don't think that would be the right option. There are all these stupid things I have to think about this year because I'm getting old....like what to do about insurance when I turn 24. :(
Oh well....that's enough for now, I get stressed every time I think about it. I need to just enjoy this last night of freedom.

What was that?

2007-09-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

My week has been...hellish. I have missed three days of school and one day of work. Why? I had an allergic reaction to one of my medications. I have been to the doctor three days in a row. First I just had some ringing in my ears. No big deal, right? Wrong! Blam! Next thing you know, I get a fever and muscle aches. The flu, right? Nope. Go the the doctor. Reduce your meds. It should be ok. As long as you don't lose your hearing, you're good. (Which was really comforting, by the way.) Then I get hit with the rash. This thing is everywhere. I go again, the next morning. Oh yeah, you're officially allergic. There's nothing we can do because you can't have steroids. "Noooooo!!!!! My lips are twice as big as they should be! My face looks like a tomato! Do something!" They tell me to take Benadryl and Claratin. Finally this morning (third time's the charm) they give me a steroid that is "safe" for patients with Lyme disease.
(Pray that it is, 'cause I don't want to go back.)

You know you've been in the drs. office too many times when the nurse says she feels like she's getting to know you, and the lady up front who checks people in asks if you're getting better yet.

So, just pray for me guys...I need to catch up in school and get back to work.

BlogRovR: your blogs, delivered

2007-09-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

BlogRovR: your blogs, delivered

Tests...yikes!

2007-09-07T13:42:00.001-07:00

I have a test Monday in History of Ancient Philosophy...9 essay questions. Then a discussion Thursday in Easter Civ....19 questions! Then a test in Easter Civ. the following Tuesday...an essay! And I work this weekend...pray for me!

Battle

2007-09-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

I've been fighting this nasty virus for about a week now. I got sent home a few nights ago, after nearly coughing up a lung. I kept saying I didn't feel good...then I had a coughing fit in front of a customer and he said, "You need to send that one home, she's about to die." Rude. But I guess he did me a favor. I was angry, but I got to go home.

Tea

2007-09-07T13:35:00.000-07:00

I've become a tea drinker. I still like coffee...but now I drink tea too. I know, no one ever thought this would happen. Neither did I.

When I don't deserve it....

2007-08-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

Ever get something and you just know it was from God? There just isn't any other reason or explanation. After ranting and raving about work, I got called in early, making what seemed a bad day even worse. Then, God proceeded to bless me with a free dinner and another person to come in and help me close. So I had someone to talk to, money in my pocket, and a full stomach. And no one came in 5 minutes before close tonight! I got out on time! Even though I acted like a spoiled child, griping about how what I have isn't good enough, my Father chose to bless me and show me that he has blessed me with this job.

I Really Didn't Drop Off The Planet

2007-08-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

I am still here. I'm going to try and bring this blog back to life.

I'm taking a couple of classes at JCCC. Finally got my AA, but still haven't quite figured out what I want to do. I'm leaning towards history again. I'm talking History of Ancient Philosophy and Eastern Civ., both of which are pretty interesting so far. Everyone thinks I'm crazy because I decided to take those classes for fun. :) Russian has kinda died out...but we'll see what God does.

I've been on a long truth quest, and I'm still in the middle of it. Lies have crept in and shackled my soul in chains over the years and I didn't even realize it. The spiritual war is hard and I've grown weary, but I'm back fighting again. For a long time I wanted to give up and just die, but I'm fighting again, with help from God and some good friends.

*this post influenced by a sermon preached by Rick Lindhart and the book "Depression: A Stubborn Darkness"

Finished

2007-05-18T14:54:00.001-07:00

I somehow survived finals week, despite being in the middle of a bout of pneumonia. Now I can sleep and get better without feeling guilty for not studying.

Good posts

2007-04-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

Check out Bittersweetlife. There are some good posts over there right now!

http://www.bittersweetblue.blogspot.com

O To Be Free

2007-04-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

My body feels as if it is wasting away...I know we all are, but some days you feel it more than others. Last Sunday's sermon was on Jesus in the garden of Gethsemanae. I felt alone last night. I'm struggling not to feel the same today. Yet even Jesus said, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death" (Mk. 14).
Though tempted, He did not sin.
Though sorrowful, He did not despair.
Though abandoned by humanity and his Father, He lives that we might never be abandoned.

As I walk through my own Gethsemanae, I have to look to Jesus. He suffered so that I didn't have to. I can have fellowship with Him in the midst of momentary trouble. It seems SO big...even writing this now I feel afraid. But I really CAN say that this is going to last but a moment in light of eternity.

Rocky Anderson Bill O'Reilly

2007-03-21T18:52:00.001-07:00

I didn't know that our constitution was based on figurative language, did you?

2007-03-21T14:19:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to write a 5-10 pg paper linking a common theme between Galileo, Beccaria, Shelley, Marx and Darwin. This will be a long day!

2007-03-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

I just found out i can post pics and text from my phone. Here's a picture from the international retreat last weekend. The fire reminded me that God's love is always there, burning and shining even in the darkness. I also thought about the Isrealites and how God followed them with a pillar of cloud by day and a flame of fire by night. They continually saw the presence of God. I forget that, even though the evidence is all around me.

Mike Bergen spoke at the retreat, and the first night he talked about how there are millions of voices in the room we cannot see or hear. Cell phones transmit our voices all over the world, finally arriving at their destination in a matter of seconds. This is how the spiritual realm is. We cannot see it, but spiritual warfare is happening all around us. God is all around us. Stop. Let that sink in. Remember.

4:24 AM

2007-03-08T02:22:00.000-08:00

I am sick of life...sick of staying up until the wee hours of the morning so I can get a C on my test. Tired of meaningless exercises when I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Sick of not being able to read something I would enjoy. Sick of not being able to keep up with the rest of the "normal" people not weighed down by illnesses. I'm tired of stress.
I'm tired of ranting....goodnight

The Countdown

2007-02-24T15:58:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a friend today about numbering our days, and how fast time can fly away from us. The topic of a device like a pedometer might be nice, telling you how much of your life you just lost by eating that cheesburger, or how many years floated away after that long and sleepless night. Maybe it would make an amusing movie.

On a serious note, I often feel like my life is getting away from me...passing me by. If something really showed me how much time I wasted or how much of my life was lost from insomnia, it would be even more depressing. I can imagine waking up and hearing the electronic device say in a canned computer voice: "You just lost 1 year of your life. Have a great day!" Or, "This is day number 7,251 of your life." "Great, just the same as the other 7,250."

As the author of Ecclesiastes put it:

Is there a thing of which it is said,

"See, this is new"?

It has been already

in the ages before us.

-Ecclesiastes 1:10 (ESV)

He continues in this pattern, telling how the world has nothing to offer us. But he sums up our life goal in the last chapter:

The end of the matter; all has been

heard. Fear God and keep his commandments,

for this is the whole duty of man.

For God will bring every deed into judgment,

with every secret thing, whether good

or evil.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (ESV)

So even when it seem trivial, and it seems nothing matters, we are to hope in God and use our time here to the best of our ability. Not wasting time on vain and fleeting things the world has to offer, but seeking how we can further the Kingdom.

Link

2007-02-19T16:45:00.000-08:00

I found this and thought it was an interesting and provocative read. http://timmybrister.com/2007/02/12/go-and-sin-some-more-a-meditation-on-the-life-and-death-of-anna-nicole-smith/

Lies

2007-02-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

I have felt bombarded by lies these past few days. Feelings of purposelessness, uselessness, unworthiness. A friend reminded me today that these are lies. I don't know where my life is going, but I must continue to fight the enemy's lies and believe in God's love and redemption of an otherwise purposeless life.

A Little Derek Webb

2007-02-18T14:08:00.000-08:00

Medication Derek Webb lyrics
Artist: Derek WebbAlbum: I See Things Upside DownYear: 2004Title: Medication
Don't lie to me tell me something true

'cause i'm only free when i look at you

and you look so good it hurts and love, i come undone

chorus

but i don’t want medication

just give me liberation

even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath

don’t give me medication

i want the real sensation even when living feels

just like death to me

don't paint my face

i need to see the scars so i don't forget

the back of my tutor's arm

'cause i just can't keep it straight

which kills and which one saves

chorus

bridge ‘cause the truth is i need you

just like the air i breathe

just like a freight train needs the tracks beneath

so i’d rather suffer my whole life

and be this rich man’s wife

if loving you means suffering

chorus

Ryukyu

2007-02-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

So I went to pick up my Karate Gi at Ryukyu on Monday. It ended up being on of the scariest places I have ever walked into. You can hardly walk through the aisle of the store, and the man I talked to looked like someone you would see on America's most wanted.
I had to go in the bathroom and try on some pants, and I almost ran out screaming. It looked like one of those slimy bathrooms you see on movies, like in a bar or something. I really felt like a Johnson County-ite when I left the store that day.
I think next time I'll try Odyssey...

Breaking the long silence

2007-02-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

Wow, the past month has gone by in a whirlwind. My grandma has been in the hospital, bouncing like a yo-yo. One day she is doing fine, the next she is in ICU and we haven't known if she will recover. Right now she is doing fine. Thank you all who are praying for her and my family.

I am sick. I have this viral flu junk that's going around. That really burst my bubble. Since I take so many medications, I figured I would beat this flu season and come out unscathed. But I guess the lyme disease really does compromise my immune system. Isn't it funny how we can feel so invincible, and then a little thing like the flu comes in a shows us just how mortal we really are? I am a frail, weak human who is susceptible to all kinds of diseases. It makes me long for my Lord's return, when I will no longer deal with these petty little things that seem so big. Instead, I will stand in awe of my God and be able to worship Him as He deserves, forever and ever.

Crazy

2007-01-21T08:02:00.000-08:00

I was in the ER again for a migraine and confusion on Wednesday. I missed the first day of school. I couldn't even park my car when I pulled into the JCCC parking lot, so I had to have some guy walking by help me...he probably thought I was crazy. Then Amy took me to the ER. We were supposed to meet and talk...
I don't know why things like this happen. My dr. said it was the neurological effects of Lyme disease taking their toll. I'm not sure what to think anymore. Every time I think I'm making some progress, something like this happens.
I'm reading "When God Weeps" by Joni Erickson Tada. It's been good timing. God knows when I suffer, and He knows when it will end, and He knows that I'm weak. I was thinking about one of the talks I heard at Faithwalkers. Herschel Martindale talked about God giving us grace to live, but also grace to die when the time comes. Now, I'm not trying to be morbid, it's just that you think about these things when you're waiting for your CT scan results to tell you if you have a bleed in your brain. I was thinking about how none of this would surprise God, and He knows what's around the corner. He's so gracious not to let me see what's coming!
Well, I'm struggling to find anymore words, so I guess I'll leave you all now. Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Faithwalkers

2007-01-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

The talks I heard at Faithwalkers are still being digested, but I think I'm ready to put some of my thoughts down. Mark Darling gave a talk about God as our refuge and strength. We have all heard that God is our shelter, but I don't think I really grasped what that meant. He started his talk out with a breath of fresh air for me: God doesn't give us more than we can handle is a bunch of crap! It's way more than we can handle, but it's never more than God can handle! I don't know about you, but it just feels like I'm lying to myself when I try and say, "Oh, this situation is just great, because it's not more than I can handle." Mark addressed the area of prayer, saying that God already knows what I'm feeling and He can handle all of the "venom" I can spew, all the things I need to get off my chest . I can go straight to God--I don't have to vent on someone else and then say nice, polite things to God.

I often try to put God on a timetable, waiting for the right time when He will surely fulfill all my dreams and desires. I realized that I could tell God what I really wanted, and quit pretending like I was polite and quiet before Him when there were storms raging within my soul. I'm still chewing on all of this, but I am so glad that God is a God of grace and mercy, allowing me to come before Him and tell Him all my hurts and problems, and praise Him for being in control when it feels like the rug got pulled out from under me.

There's much more that happened, but it's late...more later.

2007-01-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

So, I started reading this book a couple of days ago. It seems to start a conversation wherever I go. I went with a friend to a discussion over coffee and Donald Miller came up. I don't know that I agree with everything he says, but he has some great ideas to chew on. It seems like everyone who reads this book finds something that resonates with them...or at least something they can ponder. He addresses issues I've been thinking on, like how to share Christ's love in our postmodern culture, and how I can talk a lot as a Christian, but am I really doing anything or am I just spouting meaningles talk? That's something I've struggled with. I'm halfway through, but so far I'm loving it! I'll let you know my full thoughts when I finish.

Breaking the long silence

2007-01-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

I was out of town last week, and catching up on sleep this week. I attended the Faithwalkers conference held by Great Commission Churches right after Christmas. It was an amazing time...one I'm still processing. I encourage you all to go to the website and listen to some of the talks. www.faithwalkersonline.net

One thing God really impressed on me through that week was that despite my circumstances, God is big enough to come through for me. Each of the talks spoke to me in different ways. I went to this conference in "survival mode", and was incredibly challenged to change my attitude towards my circumstances. I don't have time right now to go into all the details of each talk, but I will hopefully be bringing up some of the highlights of the conference in the days to come!

Are you happy?

2006-12-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

That is a question I was asked by a friend recently. I didn't know what to say. Of late, I can't really say I've been "happy". I've been feeling the frailty of this body and the stress of this time of year more ever. Was I supposed to answer in a theologically correct way and claim that,
"of course I'm happy, I have everything I need because I have Jesus" and put on a fake smile? No, I decided against that (fortunately). Did I overwhelm them with a theological definition of joy vs. happiness? Nope, not that one either. I really had to think a lot...and received a comment about my pause. I answered that I had gone through some rough times and dissapointments since the summer, but that I was surviving. Surviving...

But I am learning so much through this time of trial. Would I take it back? (that was the follow-up question). I paused there too. I would love to take back the times I doubted and wondered where God was and why this was happening. I would take back my unreasonable fears. I would like to forget the reactions I received. But would I really take any of it back? No, I know that I would not be where I am today if I could go back. I am on a road of trials and sometimes it seems like hell breaks loose on earth, but I'm not going back and I can't analyze the past and wish I could do something about it. It's done. Over. Finished. Move on.

Thanks for making me think.

Temporary...

2006-12-17T19:15:00.000-08:00

Sadness.
Disappointment.
Dashed hopes and dreams, while those of others are storybook endings.
Crisis,
Leading me to a throne room.
I fall at His feet, the feet of a King.
He lifts my head.
He comforts me.
He heals my heart.

Finals are done!

2006-12-14T21:55:00.000-08:00

My finals are completed. I am temporarily granted freedom from the halls of JCCC. I had a chance to get a copy of Jesus Among Other Gods by Ravi Zacharias to my Exploring World Religions teacher. I'm praying that he reads it and is compelled to go back and evaluate what he really believes about religion.

I am reading something I want to read! I am not confined to textbooks anymore. It feels so good. I'm halfway through Salvo. I'm enjoying it...I like a good secular-science-bash once in a while. It reveals a lot of the things scientists do not openly advertise about the flaws they find in their theories/experiments. With topics like evolution and ID, transhumanism and euthanasia, it makes for quite an interesting read.

Just a side note here; I'm having trouble getting pictures on my blog. Is there a specific site I need to host them on before they come to my blog? Yes, I am technically challenged.

It's Here!

2006-12-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

I opened the mailbox today and my long-awaited piece of mail had arrived! Salvo magazine came today! Take a look at the web-site: www.salvomag.com

Finals

2006-12-07T18:21:00.000-08:00

Finals are upon us. I missed my math presentation because of a debilitating migraine I had last night. I had a drug hangover this morning, so I have to write my paper and send it to my teacher. I am done Thursday. Then, I can say this semester really didn't kill me. Please pray that I can make it through without getting ill again.

Why Rended Heart?

2006-12-03T19:41:00.000-08:00

The Lord utters His voice before
His army;
Surely His camp is very great,
For strong is he who carries out His
word.
The day of the Lord is indeed great
and very awesome,
And who can endure it?
"Yet even now," declares the Lord,
"Return to Me with all your heart,
and with fasting, weeping and
mourning;
And rend your heart and not your
garments."
Now return to the Lord your God,
For He is gracious and
compassionate,
Slow to anger, abounding in
lovingkindness
And relenting of evil.
Who knows whether He will not turn
and relent
And leave a blessing behind Him,
Even a grain offering and a drink
offering
For the Lord your God?
-Joel 2:11-14

These verses really struck me when I read them. So often I forget how awesome our God is. I want to desire Him more and more.I want Him to have all of me. I want intimate fellowship with Him. And when I'm unfaithful or sin, I want to be willing to be broken and remolded by the One who loves and cares for me as His own child. I want a heart willing to be Rended.